Tag Archives: gossip

Christian Stress Relief

Church, Church Bulletin, Family Issues, Personal Thoughts, ,

I’m thinking about family this morning; not physical family but the larger house of God. If you’ve been with us lately, we’ve talked some about being God’s people and he being our God. Those were his words through inspiration to the Patriarchs and later, to the Hebrews (Genesis 17:8; Exodus 29:49; Jeremiah 32:38; Ezekiel 37:27). Those words also echo to us from John’s report of the Revelation. Concerning our heavenly estate, the Lord declares, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.” (Revelation 21:3)

The Bible also speaks of the adopted family that belongs to the Father (Romans 8:15, 23; 9:4; Galatians 4:5; Ephesians 1:5). The church is the family of God. Our physical attributes vary widely, but we have all been granted a place in the family.

It’s precious. It’s beyond value.

So when stress arises in the family, it ought to be dealt with fairly and quickly. Grudges have no place in this house. There must be no rivalry. We share a common mission, a common foe, and a common name: Christian.

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Christian Stress Relief: Know the Facts

Tension often comes because of cloudy facts or uncertainties. We owe it to our brothers and sisters to be clear on the facts related to any possible conflict. Rumors are like a nasty cold virus; they don’t require much to spread. When questions arise about a brother we must quickly learn the true facts before ever saying a word to someone else.

A man was once publically accused of a crime. He was arrested, jailed and brought to trial. The trial proved his innocence and he was set free. But his name had been tainted. He was ruined. His comment to reporters? “Where do I go to get my life back?”

Isn’t this the heart of the Golden Rule? Would you not want someone to inquire of you before raising unfounded suspicions among others (Matthew 7:12)?

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Christian Stress Relief: Privacy

Privacy is the by-word of our very public life. If you have any kind of online presence you are subject to having private details about your life stolen. (As I write this, Facebook is trying to cleanup after 50 million users had their information stolen). We should respect the privacy of our brothers and sisters too.

None of us are without sin (c.f. John 8:7; Romans 2:1, 22) and ought be very careful about the way we deal with other sinners. Jesus offers the perfect principle in Matthew 18:15ff: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”

“Alone” did not include others.

You did not take the rabbi, you did not take the ruler of the synagogue. You did not take a member of the Sanhedrin. You went alone. Such a singular approach protects the privacy and dignity of the brother, limits embarrassment, precludes the damage of a misunderstanding and prevents the offended brother from being publicly scorned for spreading rumors.

Family is too important to shatter over a misunderstanding. It is more than reasonable to take very step to thwart trouble among brethren.

There are times when a public approach is needed. We’ll talk about those next time. I suspect, I sure do not know, that over 90% of all family disagreements can be solved privately. We should at least try, don’t you think?

 

 

What About True Gossip?

Daily living,

whispersGossip is often justified by the claim, “but it’s true!” The idea is that gossip is only wrong when it is false. Nothing could be further from the truth. Such a claim is but an excuse to continue harmful talk and a weak defense against a charge of being a busybody.

As a preacher I know true, but embarrassing, things about many people. Sometimes the persons themselves are the source of my knowledge. But who would support my spreading of these true things? No one.

Gossip is wrong regardless of the truthfulness of it.

True Gossip Hurts

True gossip hurts more than a falsehood. Because it cannot be denied it reveals a tarnished moment in our life which we want to forget. Everyone reading this short post has at least one embarrassing moment in their background. It is something that is true, likely the source of much regret and something best kept in the past. It is our skeleton in  the closet. I have those things, you have them and everyone you know has them. What a blessed person to have no regrets or embarrassments from the past!

While these things are true, we do not want them revealed or re-hashed in public. To bring them up again provides no positive effect.

True gossip spreaders ought consider the Golden Rule:

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12; Luke 6:21).

When telling something true, but hurtful, think of your own failures and tell your secret fault, to the same people first. I suspect that will stop much true gossip dead in its tracks.

Why Gossip Works

Bible General, Culture, Daily living

Gossip is an insidious cancer that invades and destroys relationships daily. Even when no harm is intended gossip hurts. People universally agree that gossip is bad yet it never seems to go away. Why is it so powerful? What fuels the need to gossip? There are several answers I’m sure but here are a couple that are especially worth considering.

Gossiping Makes Me the Center of Attention

Have you noticed that a bad or negative story always attracts a crowd. Like buzzards drawn to roadkill people will quickly surround the storyteller and make them the immediate center of attention. That attention satisfies a deep need for acceptance in our community.

Remember however, we are satisfying our own needs at the expense of someone else’ reputation.

Slow down. Give yourself time to think about what you are doing. A few minutes will bring clarity of your own thoughts and intentions.  A mere 120 seconds can make the difference between being a gossiper or not. Slow down!

Gossiping About Someone Makes Me Look Better

Most gossip begins when we catch someone doing something wrong or embarrassing. If we in a competitive environment with that person it may seem to suit our needs to spread gossip about them and bring them down a little. If we bring them down it may seem that we move up in the social order. Of course we know gossip doesn’t help us but it only appears that way. Our rise is relative to their decrease. Therefore we gossip to enjoy that apparent improvement.

In reality, gossip brings us both down. We damage the other party but we also damage ourselves. Those who hear us gossip know we will also gossip about them. They have little interest in entrusting us with anything that may be confidential.

It takes two things to gossip. A speaker and a hearer. Take either one away and the gossip stops. Gossip will only stop when individuals make a decision to stop.

Church Gossip

Bible General, Culture, Daily living

Church gossip is especially bad. It’s not funny and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Gossip is dangerous no matter where it is found but when it’s in God’s family it seems much more hurtful. After all, you expect the best from your brothers and sisters. If someone in the workplace or in class talks behind your back it still hurts but it is expected. Church gossip hurts people and the cause of Christ. It must stop.

We’ve had plenty to say about church gossip on this website. By the looks of our article statistics church gossip remains a major problem in  the body of Christ so we thought we would revisit the subject.

Solomon knew gossip in his day.

“A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much” (Proverbs 20:19 NIV).

Here is Paul’s assessment of waging tongues.

“The were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are filled with envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips” (Romans 1:29).

So we should be clear, gossip is a bad thing.

Church Gossip Defined

Gossip is one of those things that we know when we hear it. But putting a definition together is not so easy. This definition is imperfect but seems to get the point across:

Gossip is the inappropriate  communication of unflattering, embarrassing, hurtful or humiliating information about a person to another person. Truth is irrelevant.

There are two key parts here that I want to focus upon. First is the term “inappropriate.” Sometimes it is necessary to say things about someone that is not kind. Legal cases are probably the best example. But Jesus even allows such talk (Matthew 18:15-20). I think we all know that this is not church gossip.

The second part I want you to notice is the last phrase. “Truth is irrelevant.” How many times have you heard someone say, “this isn’t gossip because its true”? It doesn’t matter if the “unflattering, embarrassing, hurtful or humiliating information” is true. It is still gossip. Apply the Golden Rule when trying to define gossip (Matthew 7:12). If roles were reversed, would you want it said about you?

Inadvertent Church Gossip

Sometimes we gossip accidentally. There is no thought of gossip and certainly no intent to harm or embarrass. Yet the words still come out. Maybe a friend confides in you or asks for advice about a delicate subject. You do your best to help. But later, while speaking with someone else, you let the secret slip. Now what?

At the instant you realize your error, explain your words and ask for confidentiality. Maybe the damage can be limited. Second, and this is hard, confess your mistake to the person who confided in you. This will prevent them from thinking you deliberately violated their confidence. It will also demonstrate that you are serious about being a good, confidential friend. Embarrassing? Yes. But you will find that your friend will respect you for your honesty.

Remember, gossip need not be intentional to be hurtful.

Breaking the habit of gossip is as hard as breaking any other bad habit. But it is especially important in the church. There is no other group or assembly like the body of Christ. Relationships in Christ must be nurtured and defended. Gossip, for whatever reason harms the body and must be stopped.

With prayer and by God’s good grace you can shatter the gossip habit. Then you will be equipped to help other break the same habit.

Walk Away and Stop Gossip

Bible General, Daily living

In the past year we have written 6 articles trying to stop gossip. We recommend learning to walk away and stop gossiping by refusing to be a part of it. These articles continue to attract comments and questions.

Gossip was our first article written a year ago. It’s a good broad introduction to the problem and a good place to start.

5 Ways to Stop Gossip followed a few days later and offered some concrete solutions to gossip. It has received  more comments than any of the other articles.

Stop Gossip in the Church has been a popular item too. I’m afraid that suggests the problem is great even among God’s people. Some ideas for teaching and understanding are offered here.

Good Gossip? is a brief that argues that there is no such thing as good gossip.

Your Response to Gossip can often be the key that stops it in its tracks. Here are some more concrete things that can be done by the individual to stop gossip.

Shut My Mouth! 5 Ways to Stop Being a Gossip has even more ideas for bringing a quick demise to the gossip monster.

If you haven’t done so, take a look at these and see if they help.

Shut My Mouth! 5 Ways to Stop Being a Gossip

Daily living

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Pharyngeal_flap_procedures3.gifAfter reading 5 Ways to Stop Gossip, one of our readers asked; “How should the gossiper stop gossiping; if it is a struggle in his or her life?” That’s a great question. We have talked about how you can stop gossip at work and how to stop gossip in the church, but never about how to stop yourself from gossiping.

There are some who gossip out of meanness or hatred. But I suspect most gossip is never intended. No one wants to be the victim of gossip and they don’t want to be a gossiper themselves. When caught gossiping they are embarrassed. So how do you stop? Help me shut my mouth!

Here are 5 ideas. If you have some thoughts please share them in the comments.

  1. Educate Yourself to the Harm of Gossip. Gossip hurts. Stop and think of times when you were the victim of wagging tongues. That experience is a great teacher. Can you remember the look on someone’s face when they discovered what people were saying behind their back? It wasn’t pleasant. By reliving and feeling again the pain of gossip, you will teach yourself not to talk poorly of others. That’s a good way to shut your mouth.
  2. Learn to be a Listener. When your mouth is closed and you are listening you cannot gossip. Sometimes a gossiper believes that he has  the “best news” and cannot wait to share it. Learn to listen more and talk less. Now you must be careful what you listen to. If you allow a constant stream of gossip to enter your mind it will find a way to your mouth. But try to listen more. It will help you shut your mouth.
  3. Slow Down. The old folks used to say “count to 10 before you say anything.” That’s a cute old saying but it really does work. By deliberately slowing the pace of your response you give yourself time to think about what you are going to say. You can quickly ask yourself if you really want to say what you’re thinking. I am convinced that most gossip is really just careless talk. It’s the kind of comment that just seems to pop out. Slowing down will help prevent careless talk. Give your improving mind time to shut your mouth.
  4. Be Aware of Gossip Situations. When do you gossip? At the gym? In the break room? At lunch with friends or co-workers? In the aisle at Walmart? On the cellphone while driving? Identify the times, places and people that trigger your gossip habit. It’s not necessary to eliminate them but just be aware of the danger. When a police officer breaks down the door of a drug dealers house he knows danger is present and he takes precautions. Do the same. When you walk into that gossip situation keep telling yourself, “Shut my mouth!”
  5. Get an Accountability Partner. Sometimes we need a little extra strength. Find a close friend who will be your partner in breaking the gossip habit. You need someone who you frequently see or talk to, is reliable, is brave enough to rebuke you and who will not drift into gossip with you. If they are with you when you start to gossip make sure they will stop you. Have a silly code word they can use to remind you to stop talking. They can use that code word in a crowd of people and no one but the two of you will know what it means. Talk to them daily and report how you have done. Be completely transparent. It will take a while but they will shut your mouth for you!

The greatest tool you have is not listed. It’s special. Make your  life right with the Lord and pray for his strength to overcome gossip. He is a faithful friend who will help.

I’d like your thoughts. Please share them below in the comments section.

Ways to Stop Gossip – Your Response

Culture, Daily living

There are many ways to stop gossip. Maybe the most important way is to stop repeating what we hear. But since so many people struggle with the consequences of gossip and because so many are hurt by it, I thought we would offer a slightly different take on the subject. We’ve talked about ways to stop gossip before but here we look at your response to gossip. See what you think.

When a friend, co-worker or fellow church member begins to talk about someone, what do you do? Just listen? Do you store it up for later. Is your mind churning out names of people who have yet to hear the latest scoop? Changing your response to gossip can make a difference.

1. One Way To Stop Gossip: Be Aggressive

It may not be a suitable solution for everyone but for some of us it would be quite easy. Interrupt their report  Continue reading Ways to Stop Gossip – Your Response →

Good Gossip?

Church, Daily living

Gossip is regarded by most as a contemptible, sinful practice which should have no place in society. At the same time most will quickly affirm the universal presence of gossip in the home, at work and even in the church. I have never heard anyone actually defend gossip – until now.

I was doing some search engine work on common phrases and words that bring people to the Preacher’s Study. I entered “gossip” and soon found this article by a “minister and professor of the practice of religion” at a large eastern university. I was shocked that this man actually argued in favor of gossip!

He reasoned from the writings of professionals who said that gossip is good for the individual and helps us understand where we stand morally. Now I will let you read the article and make your own decisions but I could help but think of Isaiah 5:20:

Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil;
That put darkness for light, and light for darkness;
That put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!

As I re-read that verse I noticed verse 21 just below:

Woe unto them that are wise in their own eyes,
And prudent in their own sight!

Now I will not cover ground already covered here about gossip in the church but I do hope you will take a look at those articles. I’m just a simple preacher from West Alabama but I think I know enough not to talk about people. Maybe what we need most in the church is a big does of common sense.

What are your comments? Please leave them here on the blog. Have you subscribed to the Preacher’s Study? Its free and a great way to never miss an article.

Stop Gossip in the Church

Church, Culture, Daily living

Do church members gossip? Do they gossip about each other? I think we know the answer. And I think we know that all of us have been guilty of gossip at some time. But we also know that gossip is a horrendous habit that can assault, crush and destroy even the strongest believer.

Gossip is particularly damaging in the local church because people are often more open with fellow Christians about their weaknesses and needs. And because those weaknesses are out in the open it may be that gossip is more common in the church than anywhere else. A frightening thought wouldn’t you say?

Just think for a moment. How many people have been the target of gossip from within the church? How many have been hurt, even mortally wounded by the careless comments of another? Continue reading Stop Gossip in the Church →

5 Ways to Stop Gossip

Daily living

Gossip hurts and is destructive to any group or organization where it is found. [cref Gossip We talked about gossip before] and made several points about the harm that comes from either intentional or unintentional gossip. Instead of talking about people we should be talking to people and encouraging them. As promised we today offer 5 Ways to Stop Gossip. I hope this helps.

Gossip Stops When You Use Your Brain First and Mouth Second

Because gossip often arises from idle chit-chat or small talk, we may find ourselves involved before we realize what happened. Most people would be horrified at the idea of being called a gossip and terrified to be caught talking behind someone’s back. We usually don’t mean to talk about others but we do because we aren’t thinking! The first step in ridding your life of a bad habit is to be aware of it. Today, consciously and carefully listen to your own words. Stop talking before you speak ill of someone else. You can develop a zero tolerance policy for yourself.

If you lead in business or industry considering including a discussion of gossip in your next in-service meeting and think about adding gossip to your list of workplace offenses that could bring disciplinary action. By getting your workers to think about damaging talk and be aware of gossip, you can prevent serious issues later.

Don’t Participate in Gossip

“Just say no!” was the motto of former First Lady Nancy Reagan’s attempt to slow drug use among young people. The same idea holds for gossip: Just don’t do it!

Gossip always requires at least two people. One does the talking and the other listens. If you refuse to be a part of either side of the gossip equation then it stops. I remember a fine lady who would quietly excuse herself from the conversation when the chatter turned to gossip. She never made a big show of leaving but simply would not stay.

Wouldn’t it be great to have a growing group who refused to participate? Before long the gossipers would find they were talking to themselves!

Short Circuit the Gossip Machine

Now here’s an idea that is sure to work. Go to the source. Speak directly with the subject or target of the gossip. When someone begins talking about somebody else, offer to contact that person, together with the gossiper, and see if you can be of assistance. I would guess that at least 90% of the people gossiping will be terrified at the idea.

People who talk about others depend on a certain level of anonymity. These are the people who send unsigned notes and letters complaining about a co-worker. They begin their comments with, “don’t tell anyone where you heard this…” and they vehemently deny that they are ever the source of rumor and innuendo. The last thing they want is publicity. Offer to include them or to use them as a source when you speak to someone else and they will quickly stop. Do it enough and they will never gossip to you again!

Replace Gossip with Good

Just as gossipers depend upon anonymity, many also depend on a constant flow of bad or embarrassing news. For some reason, busybodies just don’t get as excited when the news is good.

You can use good comments, encouraging words or praise to deflect gossip. For example, when Mary starts to talk about Jill, you say, “You know I hate to hear that. Jill is such a nice person – she’s a dear friend.” Or ignore the gossip altogether and say, “Do you know what, I saw Jill (insert some good thing you saw her do here). She is so kind and thoughtful.” You get the point. Use good things as a shield against the bad.

Now this requires that you watch for good things to talk about. You know there is good in everyone. Even Hitler was an animal lover and a lover of the arts! There is also a nice side effect. When you spend your days looking for the good instead of the bad, your life will brighten. There’s plenty of good in the world. We just need to look for it and talk about it!

Apply the Golden Rule

Some of our readers are not church people. I know that. And some of the people you send this to will not be church people. In fact this article is not really a “churchy” post. But the Bible’s Golden Rule is very applicable here whether you believe in God or not.

Jesus taught us to treat others like we want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). This is sound advice that fits every person I know perfectly. No one wants to be mistreated. No one wants to be the subject of gossip – not even the gossiper! If each of us will apply the Golden Rule consistently gossip would simply cease. It cannot exist in an environment where we first consider the other person.

Gossip is a terrible sin which destroys. However it is a weak sin which is easily overcome when men and women of conviction choose to use their influence for good. Like darkness chased away by light, gossip is driven away by the light of kindness and consideration.

Spread that kindness in your home, church or workplace. If you wish, send this post to people who might be allies in the war to stop waging tongues. We need all the help we can get!

Be sure and leave your comments and suggestions below. Have you encountered gossip? How did you stop it. We would all love to know.